


Shortest Shorts: Scenes, Snippets, and Scenarios

by yogibogeybox (Green)



Series: The Rest Is Still Unwritten [1]
Category: House M.D.
Genre: Canon-Typical Crack, Canon-Typical Workplace Harassment, Gen, Humor, M/M, Snippets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-06 21:40:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5431793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Green/pseuds/yogibogeybox





	Shortest Shorts: Scenes, Snippets, and Scenarios

House came into the room and started handing out little plastic cups.

"One for you," he said to Foreman, "One for you," he said to Chase, "And none for you," he told Cameron. "You're no good to me. Go get Wilson."

"What? I--" Cameron stammered.

House gave her a _look_. "Have you recently grown male reproductive organs I don't know about?"

"No," Cameron said with a slow blink.

"That's a good thing, no need to look so guilty about it," House chided. "Go fetch Dr. Wilson."

When she left, he turned back to the other two. "I need you both to take your cups and go fill them with ejaculate. Well not _fill_ , obviously. The average two to five milliliters will do just fine."

"What?" " _What_?"

"Sorry, forgot you were both slow on the uptake. I need to do something about that -- have either of you tried ginkgo? Omega-3 fatty acids?" Getting no response, he huffed. "I need your sperm. Your jism. I want you to go into the bathroom over there, masturbate until you orgasm, and come in the little cups."

"But we--" "You can't make us--"

Wilson walked through the door and gave House a suspicious look while Chase and Foreman floundered.

"Ah! Jimmy! I'm glad you're here, I need your penis," House announced, and threw him the last cup.

"I'm sorry, you need my _what_?" Wilson asked, catching the cup easily.

House tipped his head back and closed his eyes. "And these are the best and the brightest," he said mournfully.

"House wants our sperm," Chase told Wilson dryly. 

"And here I thought I was summoned for something outrageous," Wilson said in a bemused voice. "Does this have something to do with your killer sperm theory?"

"Hold up, hold up," Foreman said, and gave everyone a look that screamed, _I can't believe I'm still working with you people_. "I've made it a rule in my life not to come for anyone who isn't _hot_." He looked House up and down. "Sorry, man, you're just not my type."

Beside him, Chase gave a snort and ducked his head.

House looked at the two of them shrewdly. "So don't do it for me. Foreman, give your semen to Chase. Chase, you can hand it over after that."

"How many times have I told you not to sexually harass your team?" Wilson said.

House grinned at him. "And we agreed that I could do whatever I wanted with them, as long as I didn't sexually harass the _patients_."

"But you still--" Chase said.

House waved him away. "I only harass my _own_ patients," he clarified. "I leave Wilson's alone."

"Can we get back to the sperm thing?" Foreman said impatiently. "What's the 'killer sperm theory'?"

"I'm holding a race," House said. "Whose little swimmers will reach the finish line first? Place your bets!"

Wilson rolled his eyes and huffed. "He's being facetious," he said.

"As if that's _news_ ," House said. "You'll never win that Pulitzer if you keep reporting the same old thing."

More eye rolling. "Tell them, at least, or else they'll start thinking you're serious. It does sound like something you would do, after all."

"Why do I have to explain _everything_?" House whined. "They're only test subjects."

Chase and Foreman sat back in their chairs and tried to appear bored.

* * *

While it's possible House was just making his own fun by harassing his team until he finally got a new, interesting case, or was performing a kind of social experiment to see just how far they would let him push, the most plausible answer has to do with evolutionary functions of sperm cells in non-monogamous societies. That is, he was setting up a kind of Sperm Fight Club. He'd need to act quickly to apply the three different colored medical dyes for a proper cage match ( _petri dish match_ , though more correct, just doesn't have the same impact).

...House already placed several bets on the outcome of this experiment. Therefore, before it even starts, he's up a couple hundred bucks. There were actually some people who bet against his chances of getting Foreman and Chase to participate at all, though no one would take the bet against Wilson caving in. (Anyone who's been around House and Wilson for longer than a week knows that would be a sucker bet.)

Later, when Cuddy collects her winnings, House tells her it was just pure dumb luck that Wilson's sperm were so aggressive when confronted with swimmers from the other two donors. Cuddy suggests he pit his own against Wilson's just for curiosity's sake.


End file.
